I started this blog last year, while going through the incredibly difficult first deployment of my son, coupled with ongoing issues arising after I was nearly killed by a drunk driver. He was only 13, so when people say why do you put up with his crap, documented in previous writings, I say, imagine you are 13. You have an older brother who is autistic. Your dad left when you were 3, despite loving you very much. He was a nam vet suffering terribly from ptsd who gave up, and after almost 16 yrs with him, I could not commit my kids to living the way I had for all those years. They were young. Fourtunately i met a great guy, who made a wonderful step dad, especialy for lucas. So life went along pretty well from the time he was 3 until he was 13 and on July 4 2003 his biological dad died of his lifelong addictions from ptsd, and the effects on his body of agent orange. Despite his problems he was a sweet , loving man who never abused us physicaly and never deliberately abused us emotionally but sadly sometimes you do it without meaning to. Despite our divorce in 1993 and my remarriage two years later, I still cared deeply for him and we remained on good terms. He walked away from the sons he adored and stayed away, only seeing them twice after we split. That was his decision, he said because he was a bad infuence on them and they were better off without him. He was wrong of course, and I tried to convince him till he was too ill to even consider traveling. Yes we did go to see him twice. I would like to believe that he made that decision with that in mind, his sons welfare, despite it being wrong. But I knew him way too well for too long. He wouldnt pass up a chance to punish himself for what ever he thought he did wrong in life, and cutting off from his boys was a good way to hurt himself. So he did it. And i am sure he convinced himself he was doing it for them and even came to believe it, but he was doing it as he did most everything, out of self destructiveness.
So, now I am going to close this blog with this, to catch up with Lucas he came home safe , left Afghanistan on my birthday in 2010. And he has continued to be cruel to me, and ignore his family and friends. Yet when we did spend a few days together here and there, it was like we were how we used to be, and I have come to realize that he is so much like his dad. We would be fine if we talked, if he would communicate with us. But he wont. At least not usually. and now he is screwing up his life by running headlong into a relationship again with a girl who is a cookie cutter of the others, except I see maybe a bit of a spark of something different in this one, it may work after all. But he is 21 and she is only 19, so I doubt it.
It is his decision. I have learned to expect nothing from him, and so the bits I get are pleasant surprises. And I continue to love him, and support him, and do what I can for him and all of our troops, which isnt much. As to blogging, I think its a matter of advertising yourself, and thats something im not good at or fond of. When the time comes I will do it with our business but not my personal life. Since there is apparently no interest in the Airborne Army mothers getting together at least here, I cant see wasting my time. I think there are too many posts on here, and sadly I see its a lot of fluff or stark tragedy that gets a following. Good luck to all out there, and I will have a go at this again one day, but on a different subject. If all its going to be is a diary that only I read, then so be it and it will be about my life and where I am and where I go. Bye all.
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